Spiritual Living

“one step enough for me”

 I came across this line years ago, when I was struggling to start a new life, recovering from drug/alcohol use and an extremely violent relationship. It is the end of a hymn written in the 1800’s following is the short verse:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene–one step enough for me. [Hymns, 1985, no. 97]

John Henry Newman 1801-1890 From an Anglican Priest to a Catholic Priest. Read more about him at Who2.com (http://who2.com/ask/johnhenrynewman.html)

The last few words have been a mantra for me on several occasions through the years, a reminder to keep my focus on the moment, what lies ahead I cannot see clearly, and is impacted by what I do at this moment. In conjunction with my career choice, personal seeking to recover and not repeat the past mistakes, which I have in varying degrees more than once, this journey, has included a higher education in many ways. One of them has been as a substance abuse counselor, studying the human conditions known as trauma and addiction, simplified for this article. My own personal recovery included the attendance of 12-step meetings, following those suggestions, attending therapy, school and recording my journey in a journal.

What I have discovered is a way of life that is enhanced by the ongoing willingness and fervent desire to overcome those barriers that were developed in early childhood, such as reactionary and lack of social skills in plain speak. I am a statistic, child of divorce, survivor of incest/molestation/abuse, teen mother, teen divorcee, from social drinker/drug user to addict in 20 years, domestic violence survivor. Whew! I am sure there are more, but this was enough to make me take a very deep breath. My parents would be having a tantrum right now if they read this, not sure what my children would think, which reminds me to include estranged mother of three. They disowned me for the abuse that continued in their lives through me, another statistic, a poor mother!

In the past 20 years I have discovered an awareness of me that most people go to any lengths to escape, me included. I was terrified to get to know me, discover who I could be and should be beyond the victim. Now mind you I did not set out to become anything other than a good mom, desiring to protect my children at all costs, but I was missing key skills to do that. First I had to be capable of caring for me, at 16 years of age there was no way I had enough information to be able to do that. I did not understand me at all, or how what had happened to me for 16 years would impact every decision I would ever make in my life. Today I understand, no longer feeling guilty and ashamed of my life, accepting every aspect and healing each breath I take.

Seeking out a new way of life means taking the good with the bad, accepting that there are more bad days in the beginning in the sense of tears and fears, include in this mix the shame and guilt of being a ill-equipped mother who did not do such a great job at protecting her children. I allowed the family that raised me to raise my first two children, placing my daughter and son into the hands of those who harmed me. When I became pregnant with my last son I swore to keep him safe and raise him to be a gentle and kind man, rather we lived in a relationship with his step-father that nearly killed both of us. My children do not speak to me now because I did not provide and protect them, I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, learned that there truly is no way I could have done anything different.

Thus I write this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, seek out a new way of life and make the decision that is not easy, taking that road less traveled and creating the life deserved. Today I am the woman I was born to be, the woman I want to be, ever growing and changing, with emotions beyond anger, pain and fear. I am my hero, the one that will provide, protect and love me no matter what. I am alive, not merely surviving, no longer a victim, a woman in love with herself, walking in the Light of the Divine.

The tools are available, there are support groups, various therapies, choices to make that can and will enhance your life; however, it does require a conscious choice to do whatever it takes to live beyond where you are. There is something more in this world, it is up to you to find it and live it. No one is responsible for you, save you, no one “can make you” anything, it is not in their power, how you feel, what you think and what you do is freedom of choice. But, those choices are based upon a lie, false evidence, past stories that matter not, the people in your life do not know any better so they pass on what has been handed them. This is a cycle of life that is based on misinformation, made up rules as life moves on. You have the power to change that, to be more than your story. I know I am!

“One Step Enough for Me!”

Bright Blessings!

Took the weekend off, enjoyed friends, family and fun for Thanksgiving and not much else until today. Felt guilty and grateful, an odd combination to be sure. Work has been dead, getting the last client’s to pay has been difficult, rent and bills due and wondering where the money is going to come from. Sound familiar, I understand I am not alone in this, watching the news freaks me out because the doom-sayers are having a great time. The recession is not any more or less than it has been every other election year, always about 6 months prior financial experts begin preaching recession and people begin listening. It starts with the housing situation and moves into consumable goods, yet every time we panic as a populace, hoarding and storing happens. The small business person such as myself gets put on the back burner, we are not a priority, it is not that important to pay us, what ever the rationale we get hit the hardest. Next corporations, etc. begin to fall into the hole, stores close, etc. Panic, stress, fear, creating chaos and like all good addicts the populace chases it, all the while speaking wishes that it were different. I am not much different, got caught up in the moment and stressed so much so that I could not sleep, when I did could not wake up. Allowed others to dictate my moods, thoughts and actions, fed into the energy of it all, the whole time knowing better. It was like watching someone else carry on, jabbering and making no sense, allowing work to pile up and spinning wheels fast going no where.

Then as if someone was standing over my shoulder I heard the solution, whispered quietly in my inner ear, gratitude. Share gratitude, put a half smile on your face, silently whisper “I am grateful!” The first morning it was with tension in my body, so I sat down with my journal and began writing all the things that upset me, created fear, closing with a prayer of appreciation, grateful for everything that happens each day in my life. For those who are less tolerant, tied up in doing it their way, refusing to take direction and sticking to their path at all expenses. Grateful for the chaos that dominated my life for three weeks all because I chose to ride and run away rather than face it and take responsibility for the state of my life. 

Through gratitude I was able to begin seeing a pattern that has lived strongly in my life, gratitude showed me where I needed to make changes, those areas in life one does not always heed. The subtle way we speak about our circumstances or our actions, simple, seemingly harmless comments made by others and by ourselves in regards to what we do and say. Comments that can sound sweet, yet if you listen to the words the meaning is clear, veiled and subtle. If left unchecked eventually create resentments and barriers. 

Living a spiritual life means to find that inner peace, gratitude for every aspect of life and making a conscious choice to be. One of the greatest gifts we can give besides love is gratitude. Take a moment, notice your breathing, inhale through your nose, slow and steady, feel the way the air enters your nostrils, the way it fills your lungs, hold for a second and notice the feeling that is there present in your body. Then slowly release your breath through your mouth and notice the way it feels as it leaves your body, notice how your entire body feels. Do this three times, then take a moment to feel gratitude for the moment of breath, notice the stillness of your body and the gentleness of air as it moves around you, caressing your skin. This is what gratitude feels like, let it rest with you through your day and the next time you start to react to an event find a way to remind yourself of this sense of gratitude. 

Remember this if nothing else: Gratitude is a choice, it is the one thing we can gift ourselves that affects no one but self! I am always quoting Kahlil Gibran, “I learned tolerance from the intolerant!” Every person has something to gift us, every person reflects something about us that is either wonderful or inhibiting. It is Divine freedom to choose which state of mind and spirit to live in. Even though my first reaction is irritation or anger, this I feel fervently as my right, at the end I assess, examining my part and what stands in the way, then consciously choosing to make those changes that will serve the higher good. 

Gratitude when practiced each day with three breaths will become a habit, eventually anger becomes the new choice, learning to discern what it is that feeds that anger and placing a half smile on your face because you learned the secret. Give thanks for the peace that being grateful brings because this is the skill required to Live One Day at a Time!

Bright Blessings abound this day for you and yours.

            What is addiction? How does one become addicted, is it genetic or acquired? Addictions do not necessarily occur overnight, however it may seem to happen that way. Simply stated addiction is that event which drives a person to seek out what ever substance they are using at any cost. It is the “I have to have it to feel normal!” Here is one definition: “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.” (Dictionary.com n.d.) There are several theories as to what causes addiction, for the sake of this article those will have to wait since it is extremely extensive. The purpose here is to inform and share a bit of insight into this phenom that seems to plague so much of the population.

            For the most part I do not believe that anyone would wish this dis-ease upon their worst enemies let alone set out to become addicted to anything. Alcohol, drugs (illegal and legal), tobacco products, caffeine, soft drinks, sweets, gambling, sex, the list is endless as to what one can become addicted to. Addicts cannot stop thinking about ways to get more of what it is they are addicted to, any means and any way to achieve the desired result. Sneaking around, hiding it, pretending it does not matter, depending on the substance, never sharing their last one or near last, being defensive when asked about it, and if they do not have it becoming irritable, withdrawn, defensive, and a host of other symptoms. As the definition above states, not having it causes severe trauma, this occurs in many ways, fear, pain, harming self in some way, again depending on the substance.

            There are those people who can be casual, social and recreational users, and then there are those who are not so addicted but get into trouble when they do use, the problem users. Take it or leave it, order a drink take one swallow out of it and leave it not touching it the rest of the time it sits there. Try this once and watch your friends reactions to this, or refuse a drink and when asked tell them you decided to quit, and then listen their responses. When I tell someone I do not drink because I did not like where I woke up, the responses are about the same, justifications and explanations about their drinking habits. I once went out with this guy who said he was not ready for A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous), just A.

            How do you know if you are addicted? That my friend is a personal evaluation, but you can keep a journal, noting the times that you seek out/use, patterns, or cravings for what it is that you have questions about. Also not the motives, which mean to listen to your thoughts and feelings about it. Then make up your own mind. When the pain is bad enough one will always find a way to fix it, one way or another.

            As always, bright blessings on your journey. Please feel free to contact me, leave a comment and keep coming back.

References

addiction. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction

            When you remain consistent with journaling daily patterns begin to emerge, emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and the culmination of life as you knew it shifts. These are developed patterns of life that have brought you this far, leading you to this day, this information, and can be considered a blessing or not. Recognizing the habits which hold you in prison fuel you to action and in general are judged either good or bad is a result of consistent journaling. It has been said that bad behaviors are persistent and resistant, where as new ones are more difficult to obtain. What I find intriguing with this concept is that all habits are equal until judged, and then labels are placed according to how the habit affects its environment. In other words if a habit disturbs another person, causes pain or joy the label is either good or bad, there is a criteria involved in creating the judgment about the habit.

            Freedom of choice, a gift of the Divine, the one major cognition that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom bringing with it a responsibility to self, not others, but self. The one person in this world that has the greatest power in your life to love you and cherish you, show respect, guidance and most of all the power to create something wonderful in your life is YOU. Does that decrease the effects of others in your daily life? Yes and no, yes because what another says appears to be good or bad, no because it is the learned value of what others say and do that affects us the greatest. Well, if you get hit or run over by a vehicle that hurts, of course, abuse of any form hurts. Yes, mostly because what we are taught early in life, those early lessons that have been passed down from generation to generation and is unique to humans, not the rest of the animal kingdom. There are volumes of research and books written on this topic alone, so because that is too cumbersome for this article I will save it for later and provide the links to those in case you are interested.

            The first pattern that becomes apparent is the desire to forget about journaling, a new habit that can be helpful and healing. The first night excitement at discovering a new tool to help, so practice is completed, off to sleep (if it is done at bedtime), the next night, time to journal before bed, but so many other things must get done, exhausted from the day, too tired, and off to bed, journal untouched, from there dozens of nights pass and eventually you forget all about it. Then something happens and you think perhaps doing the journal thing is not so bad of an idea, so you give it another try and the same result, one more time only this time maybe you write before bed, get up in the morning and make a few more notes. Here the first of many patterns emerges, the choice to make a healthy change, to use a tool to help make changes in life is attempted, then the old way of living kicks in and says nope, not going anywhere. What do you think this is?

            When you decide to do something new, perhaps healthier for you, and it falls by the way side, what happens to you? What thoughts come up for you, how does your body react, what sensations occur? For me? It was a reason to punish myself, negative thoughts, getting up in the morning feeling depressed and uninterested in my day. Each time I made the decision to not practice something that would improve my life, begged off with being too tired, another reason to be disappointed in me, to punish me, to dislike me even more. This resulted in whining, negative self-talk, illness, poor decision making, and the list could be endless, but I am hoping by now you know what I am talking about. Does it sound familiar? Maybe, maybe not, I write because I have to share my experience, strength and healing with you, spreading the word that there is a way out.

            In closing I do hope it does help, that perhaps you will decide to go easy on yourself the next time you resolve to make a change in your life, to add something new and when you falter making up reasons to not do it, that perhaps you will recognize the pattern and decide to go through with it one more time. Then make the decision to give yourself a break and not push so hard. If you want guidance, someone to walk this path with you, let me know. My contact page will have several ways to find me. I look forward to our journey together.

Bright Blessings abound for you and yours.

Welcome to my new blog, the information that will follow this post will include daily tips on developing a spiritual life style, information regarding substance abuse and how to overcome it, and a rants, raves and life in general.

Basics for living a spiritual life are pretty simple, it is, however human nature to complicate it, determining its level of difficulty and seeking some way to measure it. If you do not keep a journal then it is my strongest suggestion that you begin today. This is a great way to discover progress, patterns that you either choose to change or enhance, and defiantly a great place to vent. A journal is yours, to write in any way you see fit, there are no hard or fast rules, but there are as many suggestions as there are people who use them. Journals are a spoken or written chart, a way of following your own life, or sharing with someone else. The types of journals I have utilized include work, especially as a new employee, making notes of events, conversations, operating procedures that have changed, tracking those unwritten rules that invariably come up and if you are in sales, tracking your number of contacts, etc. Then there is the personal one which holds the good, bad and ugly of my daily life, this is where I can write anything I want to, no judgments, no opinions, just my inner thoughts that would create havoc in my outside world. This is also the place where I can track my victories, the changes in my life from old beliefs to new ones, discoveries, blessings, and all the other terrific stuff that belongs to me.

Journaling for personal growth means writing “free-style,” just put pen to paper, write, let it flow, sometimes it occurs as a dialog, other times it is just a rant. For instance, if there is a question that is perplexing I may start my journal entry that way. Like this:

Begin journal entry with the question, perhaps droll on about the emotions that accompany it, explore the inner workings of how this bothers me. Stating the problem, perhaps repeating the question(s), allowing myself to not analyze, just write. Sometimes it seems like gibberish or just crap, like I am pretending. I have come to discover that feeling disconnected from what I am writing is acceptable; it allows me room to examine without judgment.  Sometimes my journal entries do look like a dialog of sorts, the question will be stated again, perhaps for the third time, then an answer just seems to appear on the page, when that happens it is a freedom that escapes words. This takes practice, permission for self to explore and the inclusion that it certainly does seem like you are crazy, because who in their right mind would be carrying on like this and if anyone saw this, what would they say. It does not matter, because they will not be seeing it, unless you choose to share it.

The next step is another day, so stay tuned and enjoy this learning process, explore the uncharted and dare to go where no one has gone before, especially you. If you need help, I am there for you. Check out my contact page and get in touch, even if it is just to say hi. Trust is earned, another partner in your journey.

Bright Blessings abound for you and yours. God/dess Blessings!