Spiritual Living

“one step enough for me”

 I came across this line years ago, when I was struggling to start a new life, recovering from drug/alcohol use and an extremely violent relationship. It is the end of a hymn written in the 1800’s following is the short verse:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene–one step enough for me. [Hymns, 1985, no. 97]

John Henry Newman 1801-1890 From an Anglican Priest to a Catholic Priest. Read more about him at Who2.com (http://who2.com/ask/johnhenrynewman.html)

The last few words have been a mantra for me on several occasions through the years, a reminder to keep my focus on the moment, what lies ahead I cannot see clearly, and is impacted by what I do at this moment. In conjunction with my career choice, personal seeking to recover and not repeat the past mistakes, which I have in varying degrees more than once, this journey, has included a higher education in many ways. One of them has been as a substance abuse counselor, studying the human conditions known as trauma and addiction, simplified for this article. My own personal recovery included the attendance of 12-step meetings, following those suggestions, attending therapy, school and recording my journey in a journal.

What I have discovered is a way of life that is enhanced by the ongoing willingness and fervent desire to overcome those barriers that were developed in early childhood, such as reactionary and lack of social skills in plain speak. I am a statistic, child of divorce, survivor of incest/molestation/abuse, teen mother, teen divorcee, from social drinker/drug user to addict in 20 years, domestic violence survivor. Whew! I am sure there are more, but this was enough to make me take a very deep breath. My parents would be having a tantrum right now if they read this, not sure what my children would think, which reminds me to include estranged mother of three. They disowned me for the abuse that continued in their lives through me, another statistic, a poor mother!

In the past 20 years I have discovered an awareness of me that most people go to any lengths to escape, me included. I was terrified to get to know me, discover who I could be and should be beyond the victim. Now mind you I did not set out to become anything other than a good mom, desiring to protect my children at all costs, but I was missing key skills to do that. First I had to be capable of caring for me, at 16 years of age there was no way I had enough information to be able to do that. I did not understand me at all, or how what had happened to me for 16 years would impact every decision I would ever make in my life. Today I understand, no longer feeling guilty and ashamed of my life, accepting every aspect and healing each breath I take.

Seeking out a new way of life means taking the good with the bad, accepting that there are more bad days in the beginning in the sense of tears and fears, include in this mix the shame and guilt of being a ill-equipped mother who did not do such a great job at protecting her children. I allowed the family that raised me to raise my first two children, placing my daughter and son into the hands of those who harmed me. When I became pregnant with my last son I swore to keep him safe and raise him to be a gentle and kind man, rather we lived in a relationship with his step-father that nearly killed both of us. My children do not speak to me now because I did not provide and protect them, I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, learned that there truly is no way I could have done anything different.

Thus I write this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, seek out a new way of life and make the decision that is not easy, taking that road less traveled and creating the life deserved. Today I am the woman I was born to be, the woman I want to be, ever growing and changing, with emotions beyond anger, pain and fear. I am my hero, the one that will provide, protect and love me no matter what. I am alive, not merely surviving, no longer a victim, a woman in love with herself, walking in the Light of the Divine.

The tools are available, there are support groups, various therapies, choices to make that can and will enhance your life; however, it does require a conscious choice to do whatever it takes to live beyond where you are. There is something more in this world, it is up to you to find it and live it. No one is responsible for you, save you, no one “can make you” anything, it is not in their power, how you feel, what you think and what you do is freedom of choice. But, those choices are based upon a lie, false evidence, past stories that matter not, the people in your life do not know any better so they pass on what has been handed them. This is a cycle of life that is based on misinformation, made up rules as life moves on. You have the power to change that, to be more than your story. I know I am!

“One Step Enough for Me!”

Bright Blessings!