Spiritual Living

Today I want to focus on making self- amends, what this truly means. When we learn to make amends, what the difference is between sorry and apologize then it is time to take a closer look at self. In what ways have we hurt ourselves either by direct behaviors such as self-talk, cutting, over-eating, drug abuse including cigarettes and alcohol, misusing medications both prescribed and over the counter, gambling, and a myriad of other behaviors. Self-punishment occurs subtly, not always so obviously, yet there are those tantrums that are blatant and are on a conscious level. The subtleties are as simple as phrases like “That was stupid of me,” asking someone else to validate the thought and seeking to pick a fight with someone.

Making an amends to others is not easy; facing the attitudes of those we choose to face can be difficult and sometimes terrifying. That is why it is important to find a trusted friend or relative, someone you can confide in and discuss the problem you feel you need to make an amends for. In some cases it just is not prudent to face the person and make the amends; it could be dangerous to you or harmful to that person. An example that comes to mind is having slept with that person’s mate, perhaps betrayed another form of trust and telling the person you apologize for the behavior would only cause him/her grief. This would only compound the issue and as a result you would need to make another apology.

These types of situations and self-amends calls for a “living amends.” A living amends is the one where you strive to never repeat the offending and harmful behavior again. You let go of the pain you feel about the behavior, if any, and learn how to not do it again. This means self-reflection, forgiving yourself, and seeking guidance. If the behavior is self-harm such as drug/alcohol abuse, cutting, gambling, or any other behavior meant to bring self-harm, then you will seek out the guidance required to support you in making the lifestyle change. Letting go of a behavior that is harmful is a lifestyle change, it takes a desire, then a willingness to learn and change.

Recovery from abuse is a painful road but it is one anyone can take. The feelings that are no longer being pushed away will occur; they are real as is the thoughts that have plagued you for some time. These things can be fixed, you are not defective and you will heal. We find our way in this world when we set the intent to fix a problem; the answers are presented to us in many ways. Self-amends is the journey of healing, changing those things about self that stand in the way of the higher good, love. Learning to live with self can be frightening, different, and very rewarding. New doors open, loving people enter your life, the problems you use to find difficult to deal with now seem miniscule and the answers obvious. This is because you are now open to listen, to heal, and the universe is answering.

Recovery offers many lessons, from learning how to eat healthy and feel good about self to how to relate to others in a healthy way. Learning how to stand up for yourself, let others know that they cannot harm you, that you are not harming yourself any longer, noticing the red flags in relationships, and most important how to love yourself. “I love you,” is a difficult phrase to say to self, but it must be said, repeatedly. It will bring a smile to your face, heal the wounds and bring loving people into your life.

Give yourself a hug, take a moment to listen to the peace, feel the love that surrounds you. Deny the negative thinking, let it pass without emotion, just notice that it occurred and move on past it. Practice this consistently and one day you will wake up and find that the negative thinking and the painful emotions are no longer present. You will find freedom, a new life, a new presence in the world. Blessings.

An amends is not as simple as saying “I am sorry.” A friend years ago said if all you ever say is “I am sorry,” then all you will ever be is sorry. It is not a truthful amends, rather a placation with the intent of getting others to back off. As children we learn this behavior, mom says “Tell them you are sorry,” so you say “sorry,” or “I’m sorry,” without heart. Mom backs off and the world moves on until you repeat the behavior that had mom on your back the last time. There was no lesson in the first behavior, an apology is lacking. Nothing is solved and you have only learned that the best way to get everyone including mom to back off so you can keep doing what you want is to mouth the “I’m sorry.” It is not your fault, nor mom’s; this is one of those traits, traditions, passed on to the next generation. We learn at an early age what will get people to leave us alone, to ignore us and let us continue to behave according to that “feel good” motivation. This is a behavior that is paid little attention to as we grow up, part of being a child. As a mom I did the same thing, letting my son get away with the half-hearted “I’m sorry,” until one day I heard myself say “That is not an apology, you need to apologize.” From then I began teaching him how to say “I apologize for _______.”

The dictionary will give you a clear definition of each of these words, sorry and apology. Learning to understand their dictionary meaning is all fine and well; however, learning to understand the “feeling” difference in using these words is much more important. Sorry evokes a feeling that reflects the untruth behind the phrase, bringing with it the behaviors that also demonstrate there is no truth to the words. Listen to your body and mind when you say “I’m sorry.” It reflects the lessons of childhood when we just wanted to get mom or dad off our backs. Leave us alone and let us go on about our day, doing what we want even if it meant bringing harm to others, though not as an intent to harm. Most harm brought by children is meant to be out of fun, but as a child how do we understand that there are those things which may seem funny that are not. Self-centeredness means that all we can see is self, how self feels, what self thinks, experiencing within, not without, at least until someone repeats those behaviors or similar ones that cause pain. Hearing “I’m sorry,” will not help, perhaps a clear understanding will evolve if the explanation can reflect upon it. Remember how you felt when someone you cared about brought you some form of harm and simply said, “I’m sorry,” the emptiness and knowing that it was not heartfelt?

Yet an apology brings closure, allowing you to let go of the hurt, the slight and freeing you to feel good about the exchange and perhaps opening you to trust again. An apology feels heartfelt, think about how you feel when you say “I apologize,” you may even include what you are apologizing for. Listen to your body and mind; notice your attitude shift to include genuine forgiveness of self. When we learn to apologize for your behaviors, words spoken out of anger, unintentional slights, even being neglectful and harming is turned around, we become aware of our behaviors and find a choice is presented. The choice is to either repeat the behaviors now knowing the consequences and choosing to ignore them or changing the way we present self to others, finding a gentler and kinder way. An apology brings change, in some cases lasting change, in others it may take some time. There are many things one may do that will require more apologies, but hopefully not many.

Notice the difference in your attitude, physical and mental changes between the two phrases. It will not matter how much emotion you put into saying “I’m sorry,” the attitude is one of being sorry, not of apology and change. Sorry evokes self-pity, self-harm, not healing and changes that can bring you closer to self and then the world. Sorry is the fuel that will destroy you, whereas apology is the source of love and peace.

Making an amends means that you will make every effort to change, to not repeat the same mistake, that you are aware of where you are wrong and have made a conscious decision, a choice to change this aspect of self and bring about healing. An amends is the door to opportunity waiting to be open. The choice to make an amends is a personal one; consideration should be made as to your motive. Again looking at the difference between being sorry or apologizing, the difference is about selfishness or true healing. To be sorry is a motive driven by selfishness, the need to feel better and get it off your back, not a healthy attitude because the problem will continue to plague you, it will never go away. The incident, your part will continue to punish you because you were not honest with yourself for the reasons to make an amends. An amends is to clear your side of the street, take ownership of your mistakes, this does not make you a morally deficient person that deserves punishment, and rather it means that you understand self. You are now ready to be rid of the feelings, attitude and thoughts that brought your destruction, casting off the old ways and embracing a more spiritual life. It is a life changing decision to never behave in a manner that is self-destructive, remember “If I am not willing to bring harm to self, then I cannot possibly bring harm to another.” If it is love you wish to have in your life, and then give love.

Making an amends rather than a sorry statement will help you to bring more love and prosperity into your life. You will develop a level of awareness that you did not have and will be able to teach the children in your life how to make those changes early on and gain a better understanding of how they impact the world around them. This will bring everlasting global change to a world in dire need of more love and compassion, than war based on lies and hate. An amends opens the door to truth, teaches that making a mistake is not being a mistake, that there is no shame in owning mistakes, self-responsibility means that we love self and accept the humanness which can lead to mistakes. An amends says “I love you and me.”

Learn to listen. You will heal.