Spiritual Living

“one step enough for me”

 I came across this line years ago, when I was struggling to start a new life, recovering from drug/alcohol use and an extremely violent relationship. It is the end of a hymn written in the 1800’s following is the short verse:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene–one step enough for me. [Hymns, 1985, no. 97]

John Henry Newman 1801-1890 From an Anglican Priest to a Catholic Priest. Read more about him at Who2.com (http://who2.com/ask/johnhenrynewman.html)

The last few words have been a mantra for me on several occasions through the years, a reminder to keep my focus on the moment, what lies ahead I cannot see clearly, and is impacted by what I do at this moment. In conjunction with my career choice, personal seeking to recover and not repeat the past mistakes, which I have in varying degrees more than once, this journey, has included a higher education in many ways. One of them has been as a substance abuse counselor, studying the human conditions known as trauma and addiction, simplified for this article. My own personal recovery included the attendance of 12-step meetings, following those suggestions, attending therapy, school and recording my journey in a journal.

What I have discovered is a way of life that is enhanced by the ongoing willingness and fervent desire to overcome those barriers that were developed in early childhood, such as reactionary and lack of social skills in plain speak. I am a statistic, child of divorce, survivor of incest/molestation/abuse, teen mother, teen divorcee, from social drinker/drug user to addict in 20 years, domestic violence survivor. Whew! I am sure there are more, but this was enough to make me take a very deep breath. My parents would be having a tantrum right now if they read this, not sure what my children would think, which reminds me to include estranged mother of three. They disowned me for the abuse that continued in their lives through me, another statistic, a poor mother!

In the past 20 years I have discovered an awareness of me that most people go to any lengths to escape, me included. I was terrified to get to know me, discover who I could be and should be beyond the victim. Now mind you I did not set out to become anything other than a good mom, desiring to protect my children at all costs, but I was missing key skills to do that. First I had to be capable of caring for me, at 16 years of age there was no way I had enough information to be able to do that. I did not understand me at all, or how what had happened to me for 16 years would impact every decision I would ever make in my life. Today I understand, no longer feeling guilty and ashamed of my life, accepting every aspect and healing each breath I take.

Seeking out a new way of life means taking the good with the bad, accepting that there are more bad days in the beginning in the sense of tears and fears, include in this mix the shame and guilt of being a ill-equipped mother who did not do such a great job at protecting her children. I allowed the family that raised me to raise my first two children, placing my daughter and son into the hands of those who harmed me. When I became pregnant with my last son I swore to keep him safe and raise him to be a gentle and kind man, rather we lived in a relationship with his step-father that nearly killed both of us. My children do not speak to me now because I did not provide and protect them, I have forgiven myself for those mistakes, learned that there truly is no way I could have done anything different.

Thus I write this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, seek out a new way of life and make the decision that is not easy, taking that road less traveled and creating the life deserved. Today I am the woman I was born to be, the woman I want to be, ever growing and changing, with emotions beyond anger, pain and fear. I am my hero, the one that will provide, protect and love me no matter what. I am alive, not merely surviving, no longer a victim, a woman in love with herself, walking in the Light of the Divine.

The tools are available, there are support groups, various therapies, choices to make that can and will enhance your life; however, it does require a conscious choice to do whatever it takes to live beyond where you are. There is something more in this world, it is up to you to find it and live it. No one is responsible for you, save you, no one “can make you” anything, it is not in their power, how you feel, what you think and what you do is freedom of choice. But, those choices are based upon a lie, false evidence, past stories that matter not, the people in your life do not know any better so they pass on what has been handed them. This is a cycle of life that is based on misinformation, made up rules as life moves on. You have the power to change that, to be more than your story. I know I am!

“One Step Enough for Me!”

Bright Blessings!

Took the weekend off, enjoyed friends, family and fun for Thanksgiving and not much else until today. Felt guilty and grateful, an odd combination to be sure. Work has been dead, getting the last client’s to pay has been difficult, rent and bills due and wondering where the money is going to come from. Sound familiar, I understand I am not alone in this, watching the news freaks me out because the doom-sayers are having a great time. The recession is not any more or less than it has been every other election year, always about 6 months prior financial experts begin preaching recession and people begin listening. It starts with the housing situation and moves into consumable goods, yet every time we panic as a populace, hoarding and storing happens. The small business person such as myself gets put on the back burner, we are not a priority, it is not that important to pay us, what ever the rationale we get hit the hardest. Next corporations, etc. begin to fall into the hole, stores close, etc. Panic, stress, fear, creating chaos and like all good addicts the populace chases it, all the while speaking wishes that it were different. I am not much different, got caught up in the moment and stressed so much so that I could not sleep, when I did could not wake up. Allowed others to dictate my moods, thoughts and actions, fed into the energy of it all, the whole time knowing better. It was like watching someone else carry on, jabbering and making no sense, allowing work to pile up and spinning wheels fast going no where.

Then as if someone was standing over my shoulder I heard the solution, whispered quietly in my inner ear, gratitude. Share gratitude, put a half smile on your face, silently whisper “I am grateful!” The first morning it was with tension in my body, so I sat down with my journal and began writing all the things that upset me, created fear, closing with a prayer of appreciation, grateful for everything that happens each day in my life. For those who are less tolerant, tied up in doing it their way, refusing to take direction and sticking to their path at all expenses. Grateful for the chaos that dominated my life for three weeks all because I chose to ride and run away rather than face it and take responsibility for the state of my life. 

Through gratitude I was able to begin seeing a pattern that has lived strongly in my life, gratitude showed me where I needed to make changes, those areas in life one does not always heed. The subtle way we speak about our circumstances or our actions, simple, seemingly harmless comments made by others and by ourselves in regards to what we do and say. Comments that can sound sweet, yet if you listen to the words the meaning is clear, veiled and subtle. If left unchecked eventually create resentments and barriers. 

Living a spiritual life means to find that inner peace, gratitude for every aspect of life and making a conscious choice to be. One of the greatest gifts we can give besides love is gratitude. Take a moment, notice your breathing, inhale through your nose, slow and steady, feel the way the air enters your nostrils, the way it fills your lungs, hold for a second and notice the feeling that is there present in your body. Then slowly release your breath through your mouth and notice the way it feels as it leaves your body, notice how your entire body feels. Do this three times, then take a moment to feel gratitude for the moment of breath, notice the stillness of your body and the gentleness of air as it moves around you, caressing your skin. This is what gratitude feels like, let it rest with you through your day and the next time you start to react to an event find a way to remind yourself of this sense of gratitude. 

Remember this if nothing else: Gratitude is a choice, it is the one thing we can gift ourselves that affects no one but self! I am always quoting Kahlil Gibran, “I learned tolerance from the intolerant!” Every person has something to gift us, every person reflects something about us that is either wonderful or inhibiting. It is Divine freedom to choose which state of mind and spirit to live in. Even though my first reaction is irritation or anger, this I feel fervently as my right, at the end I assess, examining my part and what stands in the way, then consciously choosing to make those changes that will serve the higher good. 

Gratitude when practiced each day with three breaths will become a habit, eventually anger becomes the new choice, learning to discern what it is that feeds that anger and placing a half smile on your face because you learned the secret. Give thanks for the peace that being grateful brings because this is the skill required to Live One Day at a Time!

Bright Blessings abound this day for you and yours.